If you were a tree, what kind of a tree would you be? I’d be a weeping willow because… sigh. More important question about personifying inanimate objects: If the 15 or so Republican presidential candidates were conservative news websites, which ones would they be?
Let’s attempt to answer that question because it’s Monday and we’re all in for a long 497 days until Election Day 2016.
Note: We’d make a companion piece for the Democrats and liberal news sites, but there are only four options. So here goes: Hillary Clinton is the Huffington Post; Bernie Sanders would be Democracy Now!; Martin O’Malley would be ThinkProgress; and Lincoln Chafee would be… oh man, is there even a site out there that would fit the profile?
And now the Republican field (yes, some haven’t announced yet)…
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Donald Trump – Breitbart
Think of the most common words used to describe Donald Trump: “Blowhard,” “obnoxious,” “clownish,” “troll,” “windbag,” “xenophobic.” Sounds exactly like the preponderance of material coming out of Breitbart, right? (It also doesn’t hurt that Trump’s unofficial stenographer is the site’s most prized reporter.)
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Marco Rubio – IJReview
Did you know Senator Rubio is young(ish), likes hip hop, uses hashtags, and does clever non-old-person things? He’s one of the cool kids, you guys. #YOLO.
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Ted Cruz – The Right Scoop
If you are a loyal reader of The Right Scoop, you’d come away thinking literally every word uttered by Sen. Ted Cruz is “FANTASTIC” (all-caps required). No, really… take a look. With that in mind, it seems like the most appropriate fit.
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Lindsey Graham – Washington Free Beacon
Because Sen. Graham loves to troll; because he’s never met a war he didn’t like; and because hedespises Rand Paul. Oh, but he also knows it’s all about taking down Hillary Clinton in the end.
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Mike Huckabee – NewsBusters
If there’s a gay person kissing on your television, a voluptuous woman singing about sex on your radio, or a Hollywood celebrity saying something about Republicans or Christianity, Mike Huckabee is there to sermonize against it.
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Scott Walker – NRO
Slightly wonkier than the rest, slightly more buttoned-up, classically conservative in the William F. Buckley tradition, and definitely opposed to unions.
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Rick Santorum – TheBlaze
TheBlaze founder Glenn Beck once described former Sen. Rick Santorum as “the next George Washington,” and while it’s not a perfect fit, both the site and the candidate have an obvious appeal to “Real American” religious conservatives who homeschool their children and are terrified of the coming apocalypse.
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Bobby Jindal – The Daily Signal
Because he got in the race way too late and no one really cares.
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Jeb Bush – The Weekly Standard
Because anything with the name “Bush” or “Cheney” would get the thumbs up from Bill Kristol & Co.
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George Pataki – Power Line
Think of it this way: Years ago, Power Line had its time in the conservative spotlight when it broke the scandal that ended Dan Rather‘s CBS News career. Now, though? No one cares.
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Ben Carson – WorldNetDaily
Because the theory that prison sex proves homosexuality is definitively and always a “choice” is something you’d expect to see next to an article questioning President Obama’s birth certificate or a column suggesting the Sandy Hook school massacre might’ve been staged.
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Carly Fiorina – The Daily Caller
Because, yes, the Daily Caller is a staunchly conservative website that projects a tough-guy attitude, but occasionally it just wants to be a beautiful, strong woman.
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Chris Christie – Wall Street Journal
Well-moneyed, at one time considered the mainstream, and decidedly east coast when it comes to politics. Also because Jeb Bush was already taken.
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Rand Paul – The Federalist
Just like Sen. Paul, conservative website The Federalist has “a viewpoint that rejects the assumptions of the media establishment” and will sometimes surprise you by seeking to engage ideological opponents.
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Rick Perry – RedState
The former Texas governor is as red state as they come. Sure, any of the southern state Republicans could embody the sensibilities of Erick Erickson‘s RedState blog, but the devoutly Christian Gov. Perry has had a long, close relationship with the site. This doesn’t hurt either.
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