Hugh Betcha Interviews Obama—Satire—
—There Are No Illegals or Terrorists in America, says the President
In an effort to justify his refusal to protect the southern border of the United States from the torrent of illegal immigrants, drugs, and the spread of violence that has cost the lives of United States citizens such as Kate Steinle, as well as terrorist attacks on military personnel that resulted in the tragic death of five young Marines in a country they (ironically) served to protect, President Obama summoned “The Most Trusted Name in the News 2015,” CFP’s own Hugh Betcha, for an exclusive interview in the Oval Office.
Hugh, Chief of the International Desk of theStoos Views worldwide media conglomerate, a man who walks with kings and princes (unlike the President, bowing to none), caught a quick flight from Wynstone, South Dakota—where the air is clean, the crime rate low, the people vote red, and the centre still holds—and flew into Foggy Bottom. Ushered into the President’s office after a short ride in the Presidential limousine, Hugh settled down for a frank discussion with the President on the troublesome issue of illegal immigration, terrorism, and the violence that has plagued the country in the recent past.
The President seemed unusually defensive and out of sorts during the interview with his drinking buddy and the winner of MSNBC’s Most Trusted Name in the News Award, 2015—Hugh Betcha.
“I do not want the world to think we are inhospitable racists. I want the world to like us. It is more important to be liked than respected, after all. The influx of immigrants to this country is a good thing and brings in a new wave of Americans who are the future of this country. We need to be friends with Mexico and do not want to anger them.”
“But aren’t the illegals causing a tremendous drain on the economy, medical resources, and law enforcement down south? And how was our failure to imprison alien felons good for Kate Steinle and her family?” Hugh asked. “She died from San Francisco’s sanctuary city policy that you and your liberal Democrat allies encourage.”
“Please do not use that word,” the President bristled.
“What word?”
“Illegal. It is mean spirited.”
“What then?”
“I prefer undocumented,” the President said.
“But these undocumented aliens are wreaking havoc on the border states and you have done nothing to protect it.”
“Please do not use such language in here,” the President winced as he put his fingers in his ears.
“What?” Hugh asked.
“Aliens. That sounds so harsh. We do not use such language here. They are persons from places other than the United States. Again, I have instructed all federal employees never to use such language. It may well offend someone. We no longer use the “I” word or the “A” word in the federal government.”
“Well the point being Mr. President, that if you do nothing to protect the borders, then we face a serious threat not only from the undocumented persons from places other than the United Statesbut also Muslin terrorists. They can easily sneak across our southern border and many say ISIS is here already due to your policies.”
“Once again, please do not use such language,” Obama protested sternly.
“You mean…”
“Yes, Muslim Terrorists.”
“But, weren’t the guys who bombed New York on 9/11 Muslim terrorists? How about the guys who maimed and killed all those Americans in Boston; how about the dirt bag who shot our young Marines in Chattanooga?” Hugh insisted, “what do you call them?”
“No, we do not use such language and there are no terrorists in America. They are simplydisagreeable people of another faith who sometimes randomly hurt people in various ways.I have issued an Executive Order to this effect, effective immediately.”
“Okay Mr. President, the point is this: You do not want the United States Government to even talk about, much less do anything to protect the citizens from, either the flood of undocumented persons from places other than the United States or disagreeable people of another faith who sometimes randomly hurt people, right?”
“Correct. Such action is preempted by federal law. The protection of the citizens of American is the prerogative of the United States Government. It is my exclusive right as Commander in Chief to do nothing to protect our borders or protect our citizens.”
“But.....”
:...and the right to do nothing is a right I guard jealously.”
