Attention all armchair crusaders, warriors of the web, and victims of life, the universe, and everything:
Take a break from your e-rantings, your Twitter manifestos, and your Justrage railings. Stop screaming at your screens for a moment – they can wait, and the odds of them walking away are slim. Put down your Frappuccino, your Doritos, and your frozen pizza.
This is meant for you.
Not long ago, I happened upon an article on society’s newest scourge – one more aggressive than a microaggression, more fearsome than a raging Bull Connor, and more phallic than a good five-cent cigar – creeping sexism.
Terrified yet? Collect your thoughts, change your underwear, and get back to your screens as soon as you can.
Beware of this great evil – one that would leave Brother Number One aghast and in tears. Here is the root of our nation’s problems:
Referring to mixed-gender groups as “you guys.”
Yes, that’s it! That’s what’s killing our economy, molesting our innocents, and driving us ever closer to the sulfurous abyss.
...Now, here is the real problem: that every self-righteous, mollycoddled twit with a keyboard considers it a duty to spew forth inane writings addressing the endless list of so-called social inequities.
I have been inspired to join the fray, only I won't be waging war against those standing in the way of universal equality and tolerance. My war will be fought against the irate, status-updating, post-sharing keyboard warriors who perpetuate this culture of blind, banal fury because they are so desperate to feel alive and with purpose that they seek to create an adversary where none naturally exists.
Heavens, I am cruel, and the world has been cruel and unfair to us, hasn't it, my victimized friends?
Or has it?
Perhaps all of these causes that keep too many of us energized, falsely ennobled, and indignant; that appear to give us some greater sense of use and purpose (while conveniently requiring no sacrifice at all), allow us to ignore the facts that very few of us in this land of privilege face or have faced any real struggles, that our lives are hollow and lonely, and that millions of us contribute nothing to society but vitriol.
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